Thursday, March 31, 2005

Bathroom Etiquette, Part 2

Ok, this is private info about the anal retentive side that I try to keep hidden, so keep it quiet. When I'm in the bathroom, doin' a dook, I absolutely must read something. It's hardwired into my system, I have to do it. I get fidgety and uncomfortable if I'm not reading. I have resorted to reading the ingredients list on a shampoo bottle when I couldn't get my hands on anything else.

This becomes a problem when taking the orcs to Mordor at work. I have opened my wallet to read the contents found there. Being there's really nothing more I can get off of the back of my Hollywood Video card, I've moved on to something else (this is where the anal part comes in. Well, the other anal part). I will open my wallet, take out the one dollar bills, and arrange them first by Federal Reserve location (and the letters representing them) and then by serial number - smallest to largest.

Yup, I know. I have a problem.

Bathroom Etiquette, Part 1

I just went to wash my hands in the work men's room and found this guy at the sink, all lathered up and shaving. He also brushes his teeth a lot in the bathroom sink, which I can deal with, but somehow shaving there just seems like too intimate an activity. Granted, he's not staring at himself in the mirror and making porno star faces while he rubs one out, but it still seems just as inappropriate.

And I guess I could sort of understand if he were a consummate, on-the-go business man who just didn't have time to shave. Or if he were a late night party boy needing to eradicate all traces of dried vodka gimlets from his tired face. Or if he were homeless... But he is none of these things. What he is, is in love with this company. Seriously, if possible and legal in a state or two he would marry and mate with this company, constantly holding hands with it even while riding the bus where he would smile dreamily and the company would look furtively from side to side, just waiting for the perfect time to escape his smothering love.

So in that light, I guess it makes sense that he wants to shave here within the echoing, tiled walls of the 4th floor men's room; sharing a morning ritual with his lover.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Stuck In The Middle With You

Right wing conservatives write in to tell me we are spreading ignorance and destroying the fabric of society by publishing people's thoughts.

Left wing liberals write in to tell me to stand up against the conservatives, but all of them use the same exact verbiage as if they had been indoctrinated into a cult and told what to say.

I am playing a game called, "Which Side Is More Fucking Stupid?"

This game sort of sucks. I'm thinking about adding 20 sided dice or something...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

BCHP Presents, An Evening With...

We were talking last night, and I was expressing my love for those moments when you're at a show and the audience is so keyed in to the performers that some little vocal phrase or some little guitar trill just sends a collective rush through the entire crowd. Without provocation, without forethought, all of us yell or sigh or laugh or weep for the sheer wonder of it all.

I realize this morning that same love holds for that exact collective thrill when four of you are talking and drinking whiskey at the tiny kitchen table, way too late on a Monday night.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Mmmmm, That's Good Billy

David began telling us that there is evidence that cavemen were cannibals. They have found bones with primitive knife marks that show flesh may have been scraped off of them. I said that was weird, because just this morning on my walk to work I started to get this creepy feeling about this random guy walking towards me. I thought to myself, "you gotta be careful because you never know who's gonna want to eat you."

Everybody laughed, and I laughed too because I want to fit in.

But seriously, you gotta be careful.

Not If I Don't Wanna

It was my uncle who told me that I have to breathe.
"I can just hold my breath," I said in that petulant voice only a nine year old can truly muster.
"Yeah, but eventually you're going to pass out, and your body will start breathing again."
It's a great reminder. Thanks man.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

That's My Boner

For every band that just cuts you open, that just strikes your soul like a missive from everything that's right with the world, there are 15 bands that do nothing for you. U2 has always been one of those other bands for me. And if it weren't for Bono's pompous bullshit, they would remain with that pantheon of the lifeless. Instead they are now a symbol of my vitriol and hatred.

If I ever met Bono the first thing I would do (after kneeing him straight in the balls) would be to ask him if he still thought changing his name was such a great idea. I mean what seems fun and clever as a teenage fan boy probably now seems a little ridiculous when you're shaking hands with the political elite.

And don't even get me started on The Edge...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Black Market Baby

I just overheard a conversation, and I think they may have been talking about how it would be easier to smuggle a child into a developing country than out of one. This is probably true.

This is probably not what the conversation was about, but now it is.

Negativity just makes me stronger...

I am loved in Belgium, and this weekend I will rock Portland!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hallway Dancing

I was heading to the restroom, she was just coming out of one. We did that goofy, trying to get around you thing where we ended up mirroring each other instead of gracefully breaking free. After we untangled she laughed loudly.

"That was fun!" She said. It sounded like she meant it.

A couple of minutes later I was laughing at the urinal. I almost spilled...