Sacrilicious

I learned recently that a rainbow is a symbol of God’s promise not to drown us in a raging flood again.

I never went to Sunday School as a tyke, so I missed little gems of knowledge like this. Thanks to a combination of my alcoholic grandfather finding God and my grandmother’s love of a good religious tract glued and varnished onto a piece of wood you can hang on the wall of a double-wide, I learned that when I’m having a rough time, Jesus will carry me down the beach.

It got me to thinking about other things that I understood about God. And again, I have to state here that I’m not a biblical scholar..

From what I can gather, God is eternal love. A large part of that eternal love though is smiting the shit out of people. To this point, God has a zero tolerance policy – don’t mess with God. But remember, God loves you – as long as you’re not Muslim or gay.

God apparently likes for babies to be angels.

Sometimes God seems like an alcoholic stepfather who will lose his shit with little to no provocation and destroy your town; or your action figure set up of Han Solo being lowered into the carbon freezing chamber, whichever metaphor you’re following.

These things that make God go all example number 3, are behaviors that God put in us. God apparently has a little self hatred to deal with.

War, killing in God’s name, things like that… God’s cool with. Anything fun like whoring and boozing, God’s not a fan of and will, again, destroy your town.

God only talks when you’re ready to hear. The same, interestingly enough, can be said about Radiohead albums.

God wears a robe and has a beard. This again seems like further examples of the alcoholic stepfather theory.

According to Roger Waters, “What God wants, God gets (God help us all).”

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s what pops up, top of the head like. I’m going to go dodge some lightning bolts, enjoy my pillar of saltness…