Chez Slappy, Friday Night

Tatiana the Pitiless sat at an intimate table, nervously pulling on her fingers. She was behaving like a school girl, and while that made her angry in normal work conditions, she was sort of reveling in the happy nervousness of a first date.

Zack the Crusher took another sip of wine. He seemed just as nervous as she felt and she thought it was adorable. Here was a guy who spent the better part of days removing heads with fairly blunt swords, and a little conversation over dinner was throwing him off.

“Um,” he started. “You look good all dressed up and outside of that metal Amazon outfit.”

“Thanks,” she said coquettishly. She loved the feel of her silky red dress that clung tightly to her body. Not so tightly that it gave away the steel spikes she had hidden in strategic places around her waist. “I gotta tell you, I’m really happy that Eric the Ugly set us up like this. I’ve been wanting to get to know you outside of the Arena.”

Zack nodded, smiling. “Tommy the Petty Guilt Tripper was going to ask you out I think, but that mountain lion attack at the show on Thursday pretty much put a stop to his dating for awhile.”

Tatiana laughed with that boisterous sound that was more often than not the signal for bloody death to her opponents. Then she took another dainty bite of her Chicken Caesar.

“Are you sure you don’t want a little something more to eat?” Zack asked.

“No,” Tatiana said with a sigh. “I sort of messed up my stomach when I ate that opponent’s ear this afternoon. What about you though? I figured a bold gladiator like you would eat more than a side of steamed asparagus.”

“The trainer said I’ve been looking a little fat, getting a little slow. He said I was breathing really hard after spearing that little bald weasel the other day. Remember him?”

“Yeah, that was a good hit.”

“Plus,” he looked down at his lap for a moment, blushing slightly. Tatiana loved it. “I sort of cheated and ate a little before we got here. I had a big shrimp cocktail and a Sparks.”

“A sparks?”

“Yeah, it’s like caffeinated sugar beer. The best of everything.”

Tatiana let loose another of her death laughs, but this time a chunk of parmesan encrusted grilled chicken was in her mouth. The meat got lodged in her throat and she began to choke. Zack, being confused, and frankly not all that bright, began to bellow madly; he threw his head to the ceiling and his arms straight out to his sides.

There was a group of 3 restaurant workers over to the right of the table. After a moment, a young man burst from the group and trotted to the table. Zack, in his confused state, turned towards the small young man and punched him quickly and efficiently in the throat, quickly and efficiently knocking the man out. Zack put his foot on the fallen waiter and bellowed once more. Tatiana once again began laughing wildly, forcing the stuck chicken out of her gullet.

The restaurant manager, standing off to the right of the table, turned to his sommelier with a sly smile.

“When gladiators date,” he said. “I always send in the rookie.”