Long Live The New Flesh

I'm in this strange head space. You can taste transition on the air - it tastes like slightly overcooked caramel by the way; you can feel it pressing in. It could get to be a paranoid downer if I didn't feel good about this, if I didn't feel, if not ready, at least ready to face changes.

On the walk in to work today, I stopped at least three times realizing that the prior five minutes or so had gone by as if in a blackout. No memory of buildings passed, no memory of the music in the headphones, no memory of the thoughts I had been thinking. This is not normal mental behavior on my walk, I may become uber focused on something and lose myself, but I can always ask the inner stenographer to read back the inner dialogue. Not today...

I feel my mind trying to adjust itself to the change.

Everything right now sort of feels like driving over a bridge with someone who is afraid of driving over a bridge. The passenger takes in sort of a hurried, nervous breath on leaving solid city ground, holds that breath as best as possible while driving over, only to let loose a sigh when safely on the other side. I didn't realize at the time, but all of that rush of fear and excitement was the long pull of breath in.

We're in the held breath section right now, a place where every action seems to hold far more responsibility than it does, a place where it seems every superstition is necessity and is only held together by this supreme force of will.

I have this memory that I'm not sure is mine - someone getting their tarot cards read and getting this panic stricken look when the Death card is dealt. The reader very calmly explains that death is not a negative thing, it only represents transition, change. I feel like I'm preparing for the death of everything that has come before - and I'm realizing that this is not a negative thing in the least. My life is about to change to the very core of things, and I think my mind is trying to give me a reassuring hand on the back while it ushers me to a whole new focus.

I've always had a tumultuous relationship with change, but I'm even excited by the change that will come to that as well.