I listen to a lot of answering machine messages on a daily basis, and while I'm not exactly a tech whore, I'm always a little bit amazed by when I still hear the older taped answering machines going.
I'm even further amazed by folks leaving their outgoing messages who seem confused by the process or better yet treat it like it was new technology. The other day I was instructed by a voice that sounded as though it were bathed in gin every morning that, "after I'm done talking, there's going to be a beep and then you leave your message after that with your name and your number."
Unless Drinky McGlugGlug there gets a large number of calls from the mentally retarded or people who have figured out how to call in from 1952, the instructions on how to leave a voicemail are not necessary. Most of us have been doing this for over twenty years, back when people actually bought tapes that had someone singing "nobody's home" to the tune of Beethoven's 5th.
Things haven't progressed much past the lame novelty answering machine tapes I'm afraid. Yesterday I was treated to some 19 year old stoner telling me that he and TJ and B Money weren't home, and then he used what I'm assuming is a pawn shop Fender Strat to play a bit of Ozzy's "Crazy Train" to close out that party. I did smile a sad smile thinking about myself at 19, probably doing something similar and just as stoned, but c'mon man... "Crazy Train"?
And now all sorts of people let me listen to music while their magic jukebox phone is finding the person I'm trying to reach. Never have I heard a good song while this is happening. Never. I mean if someone had "Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen as the song to listen to while the person being called was roused from their call-less world, I would celebrate them with a hearty "hell yes!" Even "Hello" by Lionel Richie or Blondie's "Call Me", these would be better choices than anything else I have heard.
My U2 loving roommate in college once left a quite lengthy section of "Numb" by said band on our answering machine. I've made mention of my feelings for U2, and I didn't mind this song, but no one is calling you to listen to a minute 45 of a song; get in, get a cheap laugh if available, get out.
I have not heard a lot of people pushing the voicemail out message envelope, I feel like we're in the 80's hair metal stage of this particular art form. I occasionally hear some playfulness, a snippet from a movie, some adventurous folks playing with the form, but I'm looking for a little more surrealism, a little more absurdity. I think I'm going to leave an outgoing message that is mostly a high pitched scream followed by a muttered list of, "Bertha, nutmeg, plastic jet fuel, keystone", with keystone in a high, sing-songy falsetto, and then a whip crack instead of a beep. If nothing else it may dissuade telemarketers and tele-pollsters from ever calling again.
I just realized how Andy Rooney-esque this posting is. I apologize…
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4 comments:
i want to call you. but im worried you'll answer and i will live my life without hearing a word as lovely as a falsetto "keystone"- and we'll discuss how i should call back and you wont pick up, but knowing you are sitting there listening to the phone ring will just ruin the magic.
I went minimal on my celly a-machine. Just a simple phone number, read in my own voice. No name, no greeting, no bullshit.
Then, again, this is mostly to help minimize the 2 minute monologue that all mobile phone service providers deem necessary during every call... "if you would like to page the person you are calling, then please press 1 otherwise stay on the phone and leave a detailed message and listen for additional options after the beep. While you are at it, why don't you spend a little more time using up this person's precious peak minutes because it makes us oodles of money and we love to gouge people as best we can and as often as we can because we are the humble cell phone industry and we are unregulated and carefree. Thank you and have a good day... BEEEP"
I also thought the "to page this person, press 1" option was ridiculous. I don't think that paging is going to get you in touch with the person any faster.
Unless Cingular actually sends out a midget in a tux and a ringing bell to track you down and let you know I wanna talk. Then I actually see the benefits.
Yes is it seriously funny. Also the fact that ALL the celly providers offer "free" caller ID, you don't really need to page them because your number already shows up on the phone anyhow... bah.
When good technology goes bad... next on Eyewitness News 13 at Eleven.
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