It's All Hating Faces That I Have To Chop Up With A Machete

And seriously, speaking of Chuck Norris – yesterday - what has happened to this guy?

I was watching some political coverage with pictures of Huckabee looking religiously triumphant and spouting words that I frankly blocked with my patented Ignore-O-Shield.

P.S. I cannot hear the name Huckabee without in the back of my mind hearing Naomi Watts harshly whisper “Fuckabees,” which makes this pre-campaigning more entertaining for me.

But I’m looking at the joshed-up visage of Huckabee, the will of God shining in his eyes, and notice what appears to be the grinning face of Chuck Norris. And no, I know that Chucky has thrown his lot in with the guy, when I’m saying it appeared to be Chuck Norris, I’m saying that it was unlike any Chuck Norris I’m used to seeing. Which granted is not a lot, but…

At first I literally thought that there was a plastic cut out of old Chuckles Norris back there, no joke. It looked as though it might be a life sized bobble head version of him. Well, the head being life sized. Being a bobble head, that would mean that the body is considerably smaller, and I didn’t see his body in this footage, but the head appeared to be made out of cast plastic.

I seriously focused on that floating, tanned face with all the attention I could muster, waiting for a sign of movement; and waiting to ascertain if that was in fact really a person. Nothing moved. There was no sort of reaction to anything, no movement, just this shiny stare into the crowd and a wide smile made up of teeth so white that it burned black spots onto my retina just looking at them; teeth that looked like they might eat the face. This mannequin version of Chuck Norris, this Mannequinorris, finally nodded slightly at some word or phrase, sending out the approval message to his legion of Jr. Texas Rangers, and allowing me to realize he was in fact there.

And what sort of message does having the backing of The Mannequinorris send?
“We will single handedly return to Vietnam and free the prisoners of war.”
“We’re the most karate-choppingest team on the planet!”
“Fear us, or we will kick you repeatedly in the throat!”

I know that you don’t necessarily pick your celebrity endorsers, but I’m a bit puzzled. And a lot of that puzzlement comes from people who might think that The Mannequinorris would be a good judge of presidential candidates.