I have the sort of relationship with television that alcoholics have with a bottle of anything. I refuse to get cable, and I don’t say that with a pretentious, holier-than-thou type voice, I say it because if I had cable all I would do is sit on my ass and watch it.
As it stands, I already have too much of a problem watching the dreck on the 4 or 5 channels we barely get. I’ve gotten hooked on CSI. Damn them! The original CSI is like television crack for me, network heroin. I occasionally even catch the spin-offs like CSI: Miami, or CSI: New York, even CSI: Fresno (Fresno? Uh-uh my friend, Fres-yes!). And I came to realize something the other night: I find it difficult to believe that everybody working in a lab would be hot. Seriously. I mean there are cutey science geeks, I’ve known some, but everybody? C’mon!
And while I could do an entire long ass post on reality television – and might, look out – that shit is like bourbon to me; sweet, beautiful, delicious bourbon. If I even catch a couple of minutes of one, I’m stuck. So I have to forcefully remove myself from the proceedings. I have to spend my time in another room when Biffy is watching Survivor. I want to hate it, but the truth is I’m addicted. I caught five minutes of the second to last episode of Beauty and the Geek and it became an issue of severe will power to not finish it out.
There is a new common phrase in the language that I’ve heard in many different age groups, ethnic groups and attitude groups:
“I’m not into the whole Reality TV thing, but there’s this show…”
It seems that nearly everybody has their TV vice. And as far as the Reality TV variation goes, I do allow myself a shot of Amazing Race. I think the only thing that will really save me is cutting off the television all together, maybe find myself a 12 step program.
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9 comments:
Seriously, embrace the pain man...
Now, don't laugh at me too hard, but do you know what really works for curbing your TV addiction?
TiVo.
Yes, you have heard the reports that people actually watch TV a lot more when they get TiVo, and you have heard the fans tout it's benefits. But I am here to tell you.. Mr. Bill, how TiVo can save your life.
First off. Let's just get this out ot the way... yes, you will watch more TV.
That said, you will watch a lot more quality TV (no, TiVo doesn't improve television quality, but you will be able to watch what you want instead of randomly searching through channels). This will help your addition because now you will have already programmed your favorite shows, and won't accidentally happen upon something new/addicting when channel surfing--there will be no more channel surfing in the TiVo-step program.
Second. You can skip commercials. Wether fast-forwarding, or using the 30-second skip hack, you will fly through commercials advertising other TV programs, removing the urge to watch. As an added benefit, you will largely miss most product advertisement (enough to see what they are advertising if you WANT to watch, but not enough to rot your brain).
And also, although you are (as listed in the first point) watching more TV, since you have this time-shifting mechanism, you can watch more TV in the same time usually allotted for your fix. It's a simple math principle.
Third. At a glance, you will have access to all your shows at once. This serves two purposes; A) You will be confronted by your addiction daily and possibly be guilted into withdrawl; or more likely; B) you will watch SO much of your favorite programming, that you get tired of it. I know this last one sounds silly, but trust me, 20 Drew Carey Show reruns a week is more than any man can handle.
Finally. You achieve the peace of mind knowing that TV will always be there. Let me explain. We TV addicts arrange our lives based on the shows we watch. "Oh we can't go out to eat tonight, CSI is on" You know the routine. But with TiVo, you don't have to do that. The shows you watch are automatically being recorded already. So there is no rush to get your fix... thus you watch TV when you have nothing else to do... thus you watch less TV.
So that is it. 4 simple and easy steps outlining why TiVo is the solution to all your TV addition woes. Don't thank me now... however, when you are signing up for your service, just make sure to tell them I sent you.
My email is tivo@efgdesign.com.
tivo is gay
And while you have put A LOT of thought into the TiVo argument, that involves me getting cable which then cycles back into my original addiction issue.
Having cable would be like Biff making vicodeine in the bathroom; a VERY bad idea.
I like Mike C thoughtful and well articulated argument as well.
Wait....who has Vicodine.
You can use TiVo without cable too, you know... but it isn't quite as fun as Vicodine though.
You know what's fun to do on Vicodine?
Everything.
vicodine is gay
... oh and, just because TiVo isn't heterosexual, it doesn't mean he doesn't record television FAB-ulously. (Rumor has it that if you get the TiVo upgrade "package", it "comes" with built-in gaydar!)
You go girlfriend.
I love my gay TiVo!
I love my gay Vicodine.
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