Shhh, listen. Did you hear that? That was the anguished scream of rage that has shredded my vocal cords like chili colorado. It is currently making its way around the world. I understand that by the time that it gets to you it has passed through metal and asphalt and miles of polluted air, so it may be a bit garbled. This is what that unearthly shriek is saying:
"Enough with the Tom Cruise!"
The Tom Cruise PR campaign, which rolls on like the Third Reich on meth, yesterday invaded Aberdeen, Washington. Aberdeen is a small logging town on the coast that was already made famous as the place Kurt Cobain couldn't wait to get the fuck out of. For how much longer must I be inundated with the Cruise?
Yes, I realize I myself am talking about him. Shut it, you...
Tom Cruise is a mediocre actor (to be generous), who has gone to great and certifiably insane lengths to prove his manhood, virility and his believability as an important action star. Let us not forget folks, this is a sequel, the third film in a bad action movie series. While I did not see the original, I did have the misfortune to bare witness to MI:2 (man, those initials all done up in metal and flames just makes me want to ejaculate all over the place and then set something on fire). It was not a good movie. Let's put this into perspective, Kimberly's stuck up friend from Diff'rent Strokes didn't behave like a coked up, escaped mental patient when she made Friday the 13th, Part 3. And that fucker was in 3D!
I'm a fan of lists, and Tom has now made it to the top of one of my favorite lists - People I Would Like To See Kicked To Death By A Unicorn. He joins Lindsay Lohan and Paris "Fucking Jizz-Bag" Hilton. Cheers!
The only thing I think that can stop this madness, this constant Cruise updating in every media (including the freaking news) is to take his power away. Do not pay to see this movie. For the good of Amurica people, stay away. If you cannot live without resolving the cliff hangers and unfinished business from the last installment, get together in a group and rent this piece of shit; maximize viewing for fewer dollars. Or better yet, rent something good. Or hey, get together with friends, drink some beers, play some cards.
It’s time to love again…
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6 comments:
First off, fantastic post title.
Secondly, doesn't getting kicked by a unicorn actually make you stronger?
No, being kicked by a bridge troll makes you stronger, but also gives you an uncontrollable urge to shove Lucky Charms marshmallows in your nose.
i dont think there would BE a better time or place to express my insane love and admiration for tom cruise.
tom in skivvies.
tom in aviators.
tom in a mask watching people have sex.
ahhh...
would you expect ANYTHING less from me?
ok, maybe not this time.
but i still love journey!
Mandy, you are just asking for it.
Fear not. I made it this far without seeing the first & second. I think I'm okay refraining from the third.
I hate Tom Cruise.
This one is awesome:
http://www.thesuperficial.com/2006/05/11/tom_cruise_understands_cars.html
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