I Couldn't If I Tried

What I don't like is that I have "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John and Kiki Dee stuck in my head. Seriously, I need some sort of exorcism here, it is making me mental. The iPod is currently performing a brain colonic with the likes of Roxy Music and The Modern Lovers.

What happened to Kiki Dee? Which, by the way, is what I plan to name my autobiography. Judging by her name alone, I'm guessing porn. Judging by how old she must be now, I'm guessing amateur porn.

Or it could very well be that Kiki is working here in Seattle. She could be the lady with the puckered mouth who pratically plowed me over in the kitchen to get to the sink and furiously wash hands that appeared to be clean to my eyes. She then proceeded to grab like thirteen paper towels, one at a time, and plucking at them with a vigor that seemed to say, "if I pull with this sort of drastic force I will adjust the space-time continnuum and go back to take Elton's fame". I kept thinking that she was done grabbing towels and kept making these stuttering steps towards the sink thinking that I'd be able to wash out my mug, but she just kept going for more.

My first thought was OCD. Technically, my first though was, "wow crazy bitch, got enough paper towels", and then I went to OCD. And then after thinking about it a little longer - and yeah, I did - I realized that she may have killed someone in her cubicle. She needed to wash away DNA evidence quickly, and she needed a Douglas Fir's worth of paper towels to clean up the pooling blood spreading over her spread sheets, dripping down her Puppies & Kittens calendar.

I thought to myself, "no Kiki, this is not what you want! Do you want to be compared to Britney? Do you want people to think that the pressure of fame had finally gotten to you?"

And my friends, I think this is exactly what Kiki wants.


Song (I'm Forcing To Be) Stuck In My Head Right Now: "Police On My Back" by The Clash.