No Cars Go

This is not a prelude to suicidal activity, don't get all weird on me, but at some point I want to drive a car into a large body of water; preferably from someplace high, or off of a ferry.

First, a couple of things need to be worked out before hand. While there's bound to be some jerking motion when the car hits the water, I don't want to feel pain from it - I don't want this thing to be traumatic. I also don't want this to turn into some harrowing, time running out and car filling with water daring TV escape. I want to sit comfortably in the driver's seat, dry and warm (which I think takes the Honda Civic out of the equation as I doubt that sucker's airtight) while the car sinks slowly to the bottom.

I imagine falling slowly and gracefully while the water gets darker with depth and I eventually have to turn on the headlights. I might also jokingly turn on one of the blinkers, because I'm a conscientious driver and I laugh at my own stupid jokes. I imagine hitting the bottom with a soft thump, a cloud of sediment rising. As the car coming through the environment is bound to scare a lot of the local wildlife away at first, I imagine myself sitting there, seat belted in and waiting for the return, listening to the new Arcade Fire album.

Which I honestly wasn't crazy about to begin with - Neon Bible by Arcade Fire that is. Their first album really sort of stormed my senses and I wasn't immediately taken with the follow up, but the more time I spend with it, the more I want to go back.

So there'd I'd be, waiting on the dark bottom. I'd turn the radio down a bit so as not to have the sound keep the fish away longer than necessary. I would probably occasionally turn on the windshield wipers - again just to entertain myself with stupidity. I imagine doing this in Puget Sound (particularly if I'm driving off a ferry), and as such I expect to see salmon and octopi eventually flitting by. At one point I flash my high beams just in time to see an orca passing in the murky distance, checking out this reckless interloper for a moment before surfacing.

I probably would have thought ahead and brought a snack, some jerky or something, so I'd eat that and look at the fish, finish listening to the Arcade Fire. But eventually it's going to get cold in there at the bottom of the Sound. I mean c'mon, I'm not going to keep the engine running to keep the heater going. What sort of monster do you think I am? When it gets to this point, I calmly strap on my scuba tank, use the secret fold down back seat to get into the trunk and then pop said trunk open and wait for it to quickly fill with water.

I cannot imagine a hero’s return when I surface. I’m guessing Department of Transportation officials and Coast Guard people and the cops brandishing weapons and yelling profanities. Then there’s also the wife asking why I trashed a perfectly good car. Which is where my school of trained salmon comes in…