Sleepy Beer Drinker Wanted

Once again, I subscribe to this internet group that sends me emails regarding auditions. Often I read and think to myself, man I'd like to do that show. Sometimes, say when after the post lists 8 or 9 character breakdowns they make a point of saying that with ONE of those characters, acting experience would be preferred, I wonder why it is I bother. Sometimes my mind is blown a little bit.

Female breath holder needed. $40 - $100.

That's a pretty specific call, and frankly doesn't sound like the auditioning party will be playing Lady Macbeth. I wondered if they would ever request a male breath holder. I mean, I'm not a professional, but I could hold my own with other breath holders. I used to be able to cross a pool underwater. One time in band (yeah, I said band) I had to hold a long note on my saxophone for 60 seconds. I did nearly pass out though.

Then I began to wish that they would put up postings for other seemingly random feats that I can perform:

*Needed: English muffin toaster.
*Do you listen to music while you shower? We're looking for you.
*Looking for a cream in your coffee kind of guy.
*Wanted: Reads while shitting.
*We - New theater group in town. You - Can sit on a couch like a champion.
*For immediate release! We need someone who can talk Star Wars for hours.

That last one actually sort of happened. My first audition in Seattle was for a mockumentary about Star Wars fans. The breakdown was for someone of my age with improv skills. The director seemed to like the monologue that I had prepared, but it was tough to get a read on the stoic young man running the video camera. The director prompted me into an improvised monologue about my feelings for Ben "Obi-Wan" Kenobi. I grasped pretty quickly what it was the guy was looking for so I launched into a thing about Obi Wan as a father figure and The Force as an analogy for believing in yourself.

The director seemed to be visibly moved and stated that he felt the same way about Ben Kenobi and asked if what I was saying was true. I informed in as nice a way as possible that, no, I was an actor. He was looking for actors wasn't he?

After that, he didn't seem all that interested in the improv I was doing with a delightful young lady who was playing my wife. We were a fighting couple, having problems at home. The director didn't really seem to perk up until I brought up my fictional wife's fictional vibrator and asked if she hadn't named it "The Violator."

I never got a call back.


Song Stuck In My Head Right Now: "You're All I've Got Tonight" by The Cars.