$1000

I don’t normally like to do this, bring one of my work cases kicking and screaming onto the screen here at Billy Cleans His Plate, but this one has me so urked that I need to vent a little bit…

Okay, first, one of my biggest pet peeves is the inability for a lot of people to take responsibility for their own actions. Couple that with the repulsive greed that seems to plague this country and you have, in my eyes, justification for hunting humans.

A customer writes us to let us know that she burned her tongue on some hot, green tea. She equates the tea to lava. She is seeking compensation for the dinner she couldn’t taste as her tongue was badly scalded. She is seeking compensation for the items she bought at out location – no reason provided, so I guess she assumes it must be obvious why they should be free. She is also seeking compensation for the “painful experience”.

Okay…

Lady, hot tea, just so you know, is fucking hot! You might realize this as the word “hot” is right there in the beverage’s name. While most of us learned at an early age – 2ish – that if something is hot, you let it cool down before ingesting it. What you do not do is swallow it full force like the fat, greedy whorepig you are. Oh, also, when you see steam coming off something you are about to consume, that means that thing is hot and you might give it a little minute. We really should post that inside all of our stores, but that’s unfortunately too many words for most customers to read before they lose their battle with attention deficit.

I would by the way, really like to see a paper cup that could hold lava. And, by the by, if you swallowed lava, your mouth, neck and chest would be evaporated in fiery agony. Just so you know ahead of time not to drink lava.

And the $1,085 you are looking for us to give to you, apparently to award you for the fact that you have the intelligence of… what? A corpse? Most living things at least have enough survival instinct to know that something called hot, something steaming hot, something that comes double cupped and with a fun little cardboard sleeve to protect your fat, grubby fingers from being burned will fucking hurt you if you put it in your mouth right away.

Grow the fuck up!

This I cannot say however. The prevailing thought is that freeloading retards such as this are worth keeping as customers.