Self Delusional Interview

As a further example of my mental illness, I have this problem when I read interviews or watch interview shows where I begin to hear my own mind asking me interview questions. I'm currently flipping through some interviews in the 40th anniversary edition of Rolling Stone, it's my current bathroom reading. I was brushing my teeth the other day and heard, quite clearly, an interviewing voice say:

"I notice that you eschew the recommended circular brush technique for the side to side method? Why is that?"

My own voice, sounding much deeper and melodious in my mind than it probably does in life, responded:

"Well, I've been doing it this way since I was a kid. Now it's just a matter of muscle memory."

This is fairly weird I thought to myself, but I remembered that I used to watch the Aresnio Hall Show late at nights and would later imagine Arsenio asking me questions. But they weren't necessarily questions for a famous Billy, just the sort of run of the mill Billy that stands before you today. "Tell me about the time that you were driving nonstop from LA to Seattle." "Wow Arsenio, it was crazy. Somewhere in Oregon I hallucinated hundreds of rabbits crossing the road. Crazy." An imaginary dog pound would pump their fists and hoot.

Occasionally, after watching a documentary, I will also have the feeling that my everyday actions are being recorded for the documentary of my life. Footage of my walk to the market shows, with a voice over of a friend or coworker saying, "He would walk to the store when he needed groceries, sometimes just by himself. There was this one time in the spring of '94 where he was cruising through the produce section and he bought a pineapple; just because he'd never bought a pineapple before."

This would then become a turning point in the documentary, that moment in my life where I realized that peeling and coring a pineapple is no friggin' picnic.

I do the same thing with regular movies though too. I imagine ways that I would help defeat the dreaded Empire, think about all the beer I'd drink on Captain Quint's boat, wish I could help Crocodile Dundee find his way through New York.

Where are these "meds" that everyone keeps talking about?


Song Stuck In My Head Right Now: “Don’t Touch My Bikini” by The Halo Benders.