This One's For The Balcony, And This One's For The Floor

Is it just me? I would like a return to all out, gladiator style spectacles. I want a large open air venue, packed with a drunken, screaming audience so done up on their own corpulence that it’s barely possible to make out understandable words.

I want an all out battle royal between Tom Sizemore and Lindsay Lohan. I'm talking tridents and nets here people. I want to see Lindsay scurry around in some pounded brass ringlets and Tom stomp his way to either a dagger in the throat or a coronary. When the carnage has been cleared on that one, I want to see Britney battling bears.

I think that the battles should probably be scored by the great Danny Elfman, the man's got a way with percussion and choir, but at some point in the festivities I want a battle of the bands between Def Leppard and the members of Great White that have not been incinerated. Two stages set up, Def Leppard plays a song, say "Photograph", and then Great White plays "Once Bitten, Twice Shy". Def Leppard plays "Pour Some Sugar On Me", Great White once again plays "Once Bitten, Twice Shy". When the crowd, drunk on Zima and Slammin Strawberry Kiwi Kool Aid, have finally heard enough "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" (which honestly should have been partway through verse number two on the first go 'round), they give the screaming signal and the bands throw down their instruments and begin throwing down with fists. Fists and pen knives...

Then comes the chariot races with Paris versus Nicole. The winner gets to trudge over to the crumpled chariot of the fallen and decapitate the scrawny bitch that didn't win.

I think that the whole thing should end with something poignant and moving, something to calm the crowd down. I think that the entire collection of American Idol winners should come out and sing a song for the fallen; perhaps "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" by Elton John or Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls".

It's probably just me.


Song Stuck In My Head Right Now: "In The Colosseum" by Tom Waits. Duh...