Tell Me Where You See Yourself In Five Minutes

I have to be quick on this one here today. I’m going to be interviewing hopeful young lads and lasses who will soon learn that desperate and gut crunching feeling of having your soul crushed. I’ll be doing this all day so I will not have time to post later.

Some people may go into an interview situation such as this, sitting on the interrogation side of the table, feeling the power of holding the possible future of someone in their hands. I have interviewed for people like this, you can tell immediately by the smirking eyes and slight, burnt rubber smell of way too much testosterone in the air. I am not one of these people.

First and foremost, I’m in the room to find someone who I think will be good for the team. Power doesn’t enter into this at all, a lot of it is avoiding having to deal with some whacked out, uncomfortable situation down the road with this person, and quite possibly eight or nine other employees.

But running a real close second, so close that it can taste the sweat flicking off the hair of the above mentioned reason, is the desire to keep a running tally of behaviors that will blow an interview almost as fast as jumping up on the table and taking a largish dump on the copy of your resume.

I’m hoping for at least one bat shit crazy today.

An example of a behavior mentioned above is stumbling into the room as if you had tripped over the invisible possum napping in the doorway, jeans and a T-shirt, hair all amiss, and when being asked what your name is, having to check the badge on your chest that security gave you. Quickly follow up with stories about crazy neighbor kids and how they’re blowing up parts of your property and you’ve got yourself the cream filling of an interview day Twinkie; the sort of shocking sorbet flavor between courses of questions.

Oh and hey, if you could call back a large number of times after you are not given the job? That totally makes you look more rational than your ranting made you out to be.

See, I’m collecting all of these ideas, all of these bad interview tips, so that I may one day go interview for a job I am way unqualified for, and really do not want, so that I can go down in corporate history as that insane MF’er who came in for the VP of Sales job and had to eventually be restrained.

Man, I hope I get a crazy.


Song Stuck In My Head Right Now: "Candidate" by David Bowie.