Macy's Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

I think it would be ridiculously fun for one day just to ride around the city on a parade float. And not as part of a parade; I’m talking just me, on a big ass float, cruising the narrow, city streets.

At first thought, I imagine the float to be a big pink and flowery monstrosity. But I think this is the wrong way to go. I’m thinking grey tissue paper, with purple tissue paper piping. Somewhat tasteful (as far as parade floats go), perhaps with a stuffed polar bear menagerie mechanically frolicking around a polyurethane ice flow, strange and somewhat chilling smiles on their stuffed faces. Maybe a penguin or two that slide down a funny little fake ice slide on an endless loop, a stuffed penguin treadmill. There would be big banners on both sides of the float which read, “Super Arctic Fun Fun”. I would sit high on a plastic ice throne, thirty-eight feet above the street, with a crown and a real live monkey bouncing around on my lap.

And yes, I know, penguins are not Arctic animals, they do not live near polar bears. It’s a parade float, let it go.

I would have some poor lackey driving the thing – maybe some kid with a learner’s permit that I would give twenty bucks and a six pack of Zima to – and no, I do not want the roads blocked. 90% of the fun lies in the mass of confusion I could cause with this fuzzy beast rolling through Chinatown, through Pioneer Square, through Capitol Hill and maybe even a couple mile, 12 mph stretch on the I-5. Can’t you see it? People screaming, pedestrians pushed up onto the curb, me tossing out cherry pits to my less than adoring fans like they were candy…

Someday, when I’m truly rich and crazy.