Willy Freakin' Wonka

One of my absolute favorite books when I was a kid was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I read it a number of times. So when the day came that I got to meet Willy Wonka, it was banner day, a red letter day.

I was about 5 or 6 years old when my mom told me that Willy Wonka was going to be at the local grocery store. While I was young, I certainly understood that Willy Wonka was a fictional character and therefore could not really be at a rundown QFC in the middle of freakin' nowhere. Was this where mom took me into the woods and let me go like an unwanted pet, luring me in with promises of seeing my hero? "C'mon Billy, we're gonna go see Willy Wonka. He's gonna take you on a tour of his factory, feed you all the chocolate river chocolate you can ingest!"

No, she only took me down to the grocery store. There were about 10 or 12 other kids sitting around in a semi circle where they normally kept the shopping carts, waiting for the entrance of the man. Kristen from my kindergarten class was there. Kristen, who I had cut a big chunk of my own hair off for in order to make her laugh. Then he came out to us, Willy Wonka, resplendent in his purple coat and top hat.

Mr. Wonka was just some cat, probably in his early 20's who stood in front of us and did magic tricks. I got to stand up there with him and help out with cutting a rope in half while he magically put it back together. As lame as it seems now, particularly knowing that I knew this guy was a fake, I remember enjoying myself.

Thinking about it nearly 30 years later, I find it odd that they would send some poor, flailing actor out to a grocery store in BFE to entertain kids with card tricks. I don't think it's a gig I would take, but then I don't know any magic tricks that don't involve parts of my body that are inappropriate for kids that age.

Then I realized the insidious truth, these corporate bastards were whoring out my pleasant childhood memories to get us hooked on their candy. Did we get free Laughy Taffy after the show was over? Yes we did.

Bastards! I'll never trust a major corporation again.