Episode III - Action Figures and Halloween Customes

Okay seriously, this is the last about Star Wars for awhile – I promise next week I’ll talk about porn; hot, dirty, raunchy porn. But rolling around in the room up there that holds onto the Star Wars Trading Card memories, I was reminded of the characters that I was so heavy into when I saw that first movie –

TUSKEN RAIDERS!

Have no idea what I’m talking about? Here’s a picture:



The Tusken Raiders (also known as the Sand People) effing rule! They’re bad ass mummy wrapped freaks with like, robotic metal parts coming out of their faces. But are those their faces? Is there something underneath of that shit? I don’t know! There’s something about those eyeless, gun barrel “eyes” that freak me out and attract me at the same time.

These guys carried around these killer sticks that had four blades and a spike on one end, and a metal spike that was sort of like those orange, rubber doohickeys at the end of toothbrushes on the other.

They’re a mystery! They have two names and no faces! They ride big furry dinosaur things on a desert planet (?). They made Luke go unconscious – and let’s face it, that whiney bitch deserved it.

Even the name “Tusken Raider” just flat out rules!

The Tusken Raider was the first Kenner Action Figure that I got when I was 6 or 7 (and I immediately lost the cool little plastic weapon stick). I was so enamored, that in third grade I dressed as a Tusken Raider for the costume parade through the school. And while I have to hand it to my mom for working with a kid on his film fixation, the costume kind of sucked. It was just one of those plastic masks that smell like new shower curtains, with the elastic string to go around the head, and a big ass sheet, died brown.

I kept tripping on my own sheet, but I figure this was an issue that the real Tusken Raiders probably dealt with all the time.