Sorry for the delay in posting today, but with the long weekend and everything I figured that I’d get a little cosmetic surgery and still have time for a cocktail before the weekly productivity meeting.
Unfortunately the ass lift was a bit of a failure. Sure, it looks great and feels just like the sweet, just barley furry ass of a sixteen year old boy, but some of the xanthum gum (that’s what they’re using in illegal Hanoi plastic chop shops these days, that and liquid polystyrene) became dislodged and re-lodged in the base of my spine. Now when I try to say good morning all that comes out of my mouth is, “fart fart, puncha’ Betty, jellyfish hammer guru”. This is completely involuntary and considerably better than the stream of profanity and racial epithets that usually serves as a morning greeting.
Now when I sneeze, I smell Windex, and it’s gotten to be that a man can’t even cry anymore without killing a large animal - no marsupials though - first. I got Botox shots in my fingers, because frankly these hands aren’t aging the way I had planned in third grade using elaborate flow charts on greenish graph paper. But Pfizer is working on a pill that will sublimate my worries about other people and subtly amplify my worries about what kind of wood will make the perfect medicine cabinet.
Say hello to the first of June for me, I’ll be in meetings most of the day. I hope May was a good one for y’all.
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