Head Gear Blues

My friend Mike lived near me when I was a child, he had part of The Pond in his yard. He had this dog, whose name I don’t remember, but it looked like the dog from Down and Out in Beverly Hills.

When Mike’s family would go on vacation, or away for the weekend, I took care of the dog (and fed Mike’s chickens). The dog and I were tight, we were buds. She was a little moody, but comfortable with me.

Around this time I had braces. And not just braces, oh no, I also had head gear. Head gear involved this medieval contraption that looked like a bent wire hanger that got shoved in your mouth and was further yanked on by an elastic band around the neck and a harness over your head. Classy…

I once went to Mike’s house having to wear my head gear. This confused the holy hell out of the dog. The dog, much as I was, was frightened by this horror of wires and straps in and around my head. It was this crazy dazzle camouflage that kept doggy from seeing it was really me under all of that. The dog started growling at me and I was trying to calm it down with my best soothing voice.

Laura, Mike’s sister, thought this was hi-fucking-larious. Laughing, fit to pee, she cried out, “go get him!” To which the dog did…

This dog lunged and attached its jaws to the head gear sticking bare centimeters away from my face. I’d like to think that I handled this in style; that I laughed it off, chuckling smugly while a medium sized dog hung, snarling, from my face.

But I did not. I screamed like a person who has a dog attempting to eat their head.

The dog was removed, the head gear was removed, and all was made right again between the parties involved. Except for me and the sister, I slapped that bitch silly…

And as this year draws to a close, I am going to throw out an incredibly convoluted tangent:

Down and Out in Beverly Hills was based on a film called Boudu Saved From Drowning by Jean Renoir. Jean Renoir is a fantastic film maker whose credits include Grande Illusion, which many critics agree is one of the best films made. My personal recommendation for your foreign film evening is Rules of the Game by Mssr. Renoir, just excellent.


Song Stuck In My Head Right Now: Back In Black by AC/DC